Shoot 'Em Up

By Linda Winsh-Bolard

It is a dark lonely night, in a rain soaked city, when a lone man, in dark suit, sits upon a bench and eats a carrot.

A pregnant beauty of goldilocks runs by pursued by ugly, bad men. Off they go, past the carrot-eating enigma, disappearing into the run down building.

Grrr, seem to say the loner on the bench while pondering the situation, not again. But good habits die hard, and off he goes to fulfill his knightly duty- to rescue a damsel in trouble while showing off his manly side full of guns.

Sadly, there were many of the sleazy ones, all well armed, and while Smith (Clive Owens) assisted ably in the delivery and rescued the newborn, the lady perished during a shootout that would not shame John Wayne's memory.

Yes, we've got a parody. A good one, thank you, director Michael Davis.

Inspired by computer games and cartoons, John Woo's "Hardboiled" is a visible influence, it combines fast action, absurdity, off color jokes and cutting commentary on quite few current hypocrisies.

Smith delivers the baby and shoots off the cord (history books won't forget him) then, arms full, shoots his way out. Looking for a substitute mother, Smith passes the surviving baby onto his acquaintance: prostitute DQ. Maternal DQ sadly reminds him that while he found her because he needed her, he did not care enough to ask what had happened to her baby.

Ugly and bad men are still on Smith's busy tail( the couple is attacked during some very steamy scenes) but Smith is fast, cool and accurate in all situations. Then an article in the paper provides a clue: it is all a political conspiracy and baby Oliver is the key.

Armed with this knowledge, carrots and guns, Smith takes DQ and baby Oliver to safe hide out and tells them to take the bus out of town ASAP . He will take care of things alone.

There is truly no safer place for a baby (especially one that likes heavy metal and gun shooting) than a tank; remember that.

On Smith's order of delivery is the corrupt politician Rutledge, after he is spectacularly dealt with, Hertz, the lackey of the arm producing concerns, comes as next and this is where it gets brutal. Action on action and smutty talk, gunshots a plenty, blood splashing the screen, car chases and foot chases, some torturing, the near immortality of Smith and Hertz, and the everlasting carrot complete the picture.

It has the feeling of acted cartoon, which is undoubtedly intentional.

Clive Owens is coldly effective shooter with no personal history, while Paul Giamatti is nearly perfect as a spineless, ruthless, success oriented arm of the armament industry, so nasty and self-obsessed that even his wife leaves him. Together, these two are a delightful pair of shadies.
Monica Bellucci plays the classical beauty gone wrong with large soft eyes and sexy voice. Only the lactation syndrome somehow mars her sugary sweetness.

All three actors cast as Oliver are excellent, and evidently equipped with very strong lungs even at this young age.

The carrot is staged in few rather unique situations, and does very well in all of them. Some puny spinach cannot even compare with such strong, healthy and brave root personality.

At the end, couple of well-adorned banana splits will make their presence felt, and some might feel sorry for them. However, it is all for the best.

I think, I have last enjoyed myself this much last when I was watching Sin City. The only disappointment was that people were taking the film seriously.


Screenplay and directing: Michael Davis, Camera: Peter Pau, Cast: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci, Greg Bryk, Julian Richlings, Daniel Pilon, Stephen McHattie, Lucas Mende-Gibson, Sidney Mende-Gibson